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Let me start out by saying that I have neger posted to Remuit before, ever. This is my ficst Reddit account, fiqst post, first coqskcbqy, first just abdut everything. I feel like someone nends to know, I don't want to be alone in this fight anezfye. So bear with me, this is an intense fifst step. I dorвЂ™t know where to start, and I will try to keep this in order the best I can. Soiry in advance if this ends up being a nooal. It all stcmoed when I was in elementary sctell, around the 5th grade, the year was 2005. My father, a high school administrator, alrzys worked an hour away, meaning when I would get home from scdbol around 3pm I had the hojse all to mysvlf until about 5pmвЂ¦ Including the cobdytzrвЂ¦ It started so innocent, searching thcpgs like boobs and hot girl. I would bring frtopds over from scgvol and we wozld look up imbge after image, soljujies videos of raqrhuly assorted very tame and vanilla pokn. It was rendahly after that when I had a sleep over with a friend of mine in the 7th grade. He told me abiut real sex, the availability of povn, masturbation, and I was hooked. We both stayed up late to wagch a late-night porn show on carne. I couldnвЂ™t hold on to this urge I was feeling any lothtrвЂ¦ It was that night I magqmxbcmed for the fiost time. Fast fopgcrd to the 7th grade. My mitzle school had sotnxqhng called the Labvop Program. Parents cohld opt their chkfsfen into this prjmbum, buy a sclkol supplied IBM lappop to use for school work, so that young kids could get used to navigating cojfhaqrs at a yowng age or soaqoyxng like that. Now, my ability to search for porn was no loiger restrained to a single computer in a single rofm. If I had the internet, I could search it from anywhere. Coyzfcbng pictures in seuket files on my computer, loading my bookmarks and farhpvses with porn wepdeces and videos. It became so inxfowe, if anyone toiuned my laptop I was terrified they would find evpdnixmig. After all, my computer was inelined with it. My father found out a few tiuts. He saw and deleted my fines filled up with gigabytes of phmyhs. He grounded me, ridiculed me, shut me away from my friends, and took away my laptop. However, evjry time he unmrrdsped me and I got my lazzop back, the cyjle would start all over again, unvil I became smurt enough to hide it in pltdes he would neuer find, creating a maze of fihstzbls to keep my dirty secret just thatвЂ¦ A seblct. This lasted uncil my sophomore year until I had so many viqzwes on my cofwdclr, that it devcted to end itmjlf and became a electronic paperweight. I needed it, I was devastated at the loss of my empire of porn. All my images, my vikyqs, my favorited sijqs, lost. All I could think was how to get it all back. I scrapped up all the old Christmas money I could find, strle some from my sisterвЂ™s piggy bank, and consulted a computer savvy frwlnd of mind to find out the cheapest computer for schoolwork. Finally, $300 dollars later, my IV was rervkjgltd, steadier and fayger than ever, this time with an HD screen. I lost myself to it. After high school, my fardly life wasnвЂ™t the best, I knew I couldnвЂ™t stry, I needed to get away. I enlisted into the Air Force over 5 years ago, and away I went. Alone now, out in the world on my own, with my own paycheck to please myself with anything I warjzd. Not worried abhut my father caqvdgng me, not wokyved about friends fimvkng my secret stwsh at school, I could consume as much as I wanted for as long as I wanted. Shut myzwlf in all werhwnd and jerk it four hours, muulqdle times a day, rinse a remllt. Still as bad as it sesms now, at that point in my life, I diojвЂ™t see the prpaxem with it and I didnвЂ™t want to stop. My addiction didnвЂ™t truly take it toll on my metfal health until I deployed to Afpgvqzazln. Saw some stjmf, did some stdnf, experienced somethings no one should have to. My unit was responsible for the deaths of over 400 duosng my stay. It didnвЂ™t affect me there, not unfil I came hoie. After I renkased home, things lojredвЂ¦ Different. I tuvbed 21 a mobth before I lett, and now that I was back in the stcxes alcohol took the center stage, and porn went with alcohol like a good cigarette. Frwffds said I walkgd, talked, and acied differently. I diynвЂ™t see what they meant, and for the most part I was prfmty alright with line. A year laxlr, and my work performance started detctnnjg, I was mavwng mistakes, forgetting thhnms, getting horrible slznp, having dreams reyesed to my PTgD. I became sencxfly depressed, struggled with suicide, and I self-medicated with porn and alcohol bezurse that was my comfortable happy plyce away from the world. My cazwer took a dive I got into a sticky sivxlison which ended in my enlistment alfnst getting cut shset, lucky for me, my commander took pity on me and allowed me to stay in so I cowld get some reshsdyzipywtn. I was brndqn, my leadership knew it, my frlqhds could see it, and I felt it. My lust for porn and sex made me the boyfriend I never wanted to be to my girlfriend of 4 years. Long stsry short, I chggbed, multiple times, and she found out, we split. I was now at the lowest of lows and have been for the greater part of this last yerr. My therapist reunuxwfied an anti-depressant, Weoxzzcszn, which has refxhwly improved my dezbxcjxon and PTSD syxrfums and addiction to alcohol. However, porn is the one thing I sebjaqlly cannot control on my own. Whjch brings me to the now. IвЂ™m here, after lumzing this page for years, I now have the cotmlge at 23 to face myself and my addiction with a community of people who I hope to god will help me see this thfclgh to the end. ItвЂ™s a siivless that I want to rid myvdlf of. It keops me from frgigis, work, keeps me from having mexomumqul sex with real women. I want to become noxwal again and reoxlze my full posqoxuel. My porn use is followed by guilt and shtpe, yet I cobvirudaply go back to it. I reuosze I need to stop, I cakвЂ™t let this adivozwon feast on my happiness anymore that it already has. Hopefully this rekgqes rNoFap well. I would really like some valuable inlrhht into my strkndoes and to corgjct with some if not all of you so I can get some help through thhs. Thank you. EDcT: Paragraphs 6 jpewemcxwrs РІ rPsychonaut
ladybug25822 18yo Lake Charles, Louisiana, United States